You've Got Trauma!

For most people, images of car accidents, war and molestation come to mind when the term 'trauma' is mentioned.  I think it's fairly important, too, to take solid note of the conventional, common-parlance fashion that certain words are used in, and 'trauma' certainly does tend to ring and echo in a rather confronting way.  "You've got trauma!?"  No one wants to hear that, really - do they?  It sounds more like you've got a life-threatening disease you never knew a thing about; and it could be viewed this way, too, so I suppose it is kind of a confronting concept.  But you needn't have been molested, served in 'nam or been beaten up by your parents to be experiencing the ripples of trauma.  Yep - chances are that, in a wider sense, YOU'VE GOT TRAUMA!

Let's try to clear some things up about all this first.  You don't 'have' anything, in the sense of harbouring a particular thing.  We're talking patterns of behaviour, feelings and understanding; things like this.  So, if you're way into Zen and you're all like Whoooooah, hang on man - I am nothing-ness, experiencing THIS moment infinitesimally and the past is the past and the...etc.  Well, I don't even know if a Zen Buddhist would say that, but if this or a similar reaction comes up, I would re-emphasise that this is not a solid thing, like an isolated memory of something that you 'have' and is causing you this weighty, burdened existence.  It's a stored pattern that continually repeats until it is dug up and looked at lovingly; and, as you might imagine, such things can be buried pretty damn deep.  They are also interconnected with each-other, too, as well as the whole gamut of experiences around you.  Think about your earliest memories; think about what you don't remember; entertain, perhaps, the idea that many things happened when you were a wee-small little human that you could not process at the time, or that wasn't understood by the figures around you.  It's actually "nothing special", to be traumatised.  It's evidently more common than not being traumatised.  Oddly enough.

So what is it, then?  Where is it?  I am constantly drawn back to a particular example to illustrate this kind of thing.  Often, over the years, I have noticed that while in bed at night (it occurs in other places too, but bed provides a nice, quiet, obvious picture of it), while thinking about things and inevitably coming across conflict, I've found my body tensing up in various places.  For example, my thigh or shoulder would lift and hold involuntarily in reaction to the thoughts passing through.  When I started to notice and work with this, I found that I would relax the area that had tensed, re-relax into my sleepy-thinky state and after a varying, but usually very short period of time, realise that the muscles had tensed up again.  Of course, this was because my mind had gone back into the same reflections, was scrutinising the same conflicts.  So, with this little example, I think the idea of how trauma can play out and echo into the present can be explored further.

Imagine a baby or child in a stressful environment.  Here, we need not go into the finer details; I imagine, actually, that it's similar with animals - you kick a baby or a dog, it's not going to be thinking (in the way a rational, adult person would) about the motivations behind why you kicked it, it will just react, feel pain and be stressed.  So, when you were a kid, all the things that your parents didn't understand about you - and you about them - created a bit of a tangle of confusion and stress.  As well as other things in your environment.  It's highly unlikely that you understood what was going on, so you probably did something like I described before: you tensed up, or cried, or went to be alone, or found a distraction.  Either way, there was no understanding and certain issues - we each have our very own timeline and experiences - were never resolved.  Thus, as patterns, they remain with us as unfinished conflicts, sub-conscious patterns which of course, as mature, rational adults, we try to understand; but, of course, they are often experiences that are rooted in a non-rational time and place, where there was no understanding at all, let alone a rational one.  Energy, rather than the mind, were at play.

There is a bit of a trap here when it comes to looking into trauma and learning that to entertain the idea that you're traumatised can actually be very helpful, as opposed to being a huge, scary burden you have to carry around and be embarrassed and confused about.  Rather, like any unearthed conflict, it's a wonderful key to the continuing flow of your existence, your growth as a person.  Also, things like this needn't be realised in an imperative way, so try not to see confronting these things as necessarily pertinent.  Your life is your journey, and you may have planned to face certain things at certain times; you may even know you have un-faced traumas, huge ones that you can't really cope with right now.  You're the maker, so let's not lose sight of that, or get caught up in some authoritative notion that you have to face anything, or that you're "ignoring" something.  These things confuse further, I think, and remembering that you are free to decide, that deep down inside you understand yourself and your experiences the best (even if some mediation helps), is really important with this stuff.

So, you grow up and experience a lot of things, a lot of feelings, confusion, anxiety and what not, and begin wondering what the fuck is going on.  Why is this here?  Understandable.  And don't let the different manifestations of it confuse you - we all, most of us in the modern world anyhow, experience the effects of traumas.  Probably collective as well as personal, too.  This isn't exactly surprising, when you take a step back and see the interconnectivity of humans, over time, within this time, through lineages, through your parents lives, through your grandparents lives, through institutions.  Try pointing a finger of blame here and you will inevitably fail.  And it's important that you do, because it's not your parents' "fault"; nor is it the education system's "fault".  Blame doesn't really apply here; it is separate from, say, a general criticism of the education system, or of parenting.  Most parents, for example, do their best.  Their love manifests how it does, the best way they know how.  And it was and is perfect!  If you realise something about the way you were raised, be it parents, school or a creepy baby-sitter you had - congratulations!  You've found a key to further growth in this life you've manifested into.  Way to go, bro.

When I was born, my Yiayia (grandmother in Greek) was dying of leukaemia.  I think we existed in this manifestation for a couple of months before she left her body, so I'm actually pretty thankful we crossed paths.  She's a big part of my life, in many ways.  At the time, Mum's side of the family was going through an intense level of stress.  Mum's parents migrated to Australia from Greece in the early fifties; my Pop (Mum's dad) was a schizophrenic and after they settled in West Melbourne, they lived - from what Mum had told me - a pretty interesting life, raising a family of three girls and one boy.  Pop would always lapse into schizophrenic episodes, the family struggled a bit with money and then, in the late eighties, Yiayia got sick and went through some pretty rough treatment in hospital before dying.  This was one of the most painful elements, I think, for the family.  It was a bit of a slow and difficult journey for Yiayia, for various reasons.  I recall my Mum also telling me about a nasty doctor who was a bit of a bigot when it came to European migrants, and this type of experience wasn't uncommon in Australia then (and probably not now either).  I understand, also, that my Pop underwent a whole host of nasty things, being a schizophrenic in that era, where doctors seemed to be experimenting to their hearts' delight with these mysteriously "mentally ill" people, either through pharmaceuticals, "cutting edge" (experimental) surgery, or the classic treatment of something difficult to understand or confront - locking it up in a box, so as it doesn't disturb society anymore (that is, society doesn't have to look at it).

The reason I'm detailing these things is because they actually are relevant in my life, despite my not being a witness to them all.  It's about getting around the idea that you had to experience something directly - something big - in order to experience echoes of trauma.  Hell, a friend once told me that he was sure being born in the year that Kennedy was assassinated had a huge effect on his life.  Think astrology, if you entertain those ideas.  But really, it's not all that far out, is it?  We're taught to be rational and to reject such things, but how could the time and place we were born, in relation to the entire fucking universe, all of it's immense movements, interrelations, mysteries - how could this not be relevant?  It's not so hard to realise the importance of being born into a world with a sun and a moon; and where you were born relative to the earth and its surface is an obviously contributing factor.  Sometimes dumming these things down makes it easier to see that certain concepts and their effects aren't so far out, after all.  So, you might not have repressed completely an early memory of being molested by a priest.  Not to worry!  There are plenty of other areas to look for answers to the questions you planned for yourself in this life.  And as a side note, I feel it necessary to stress that the experiences of the person who went to war, or the person whose parents beat each other up, or the one in the car accident, and so forth - are just different, qualitatively.  None is better or worse and anything in that realm comes from that all-too-common exercise of one-up-man-ship that really reflects a need for more love, more than anything else.  It's also a key, if it can be realised, as when we try to outdo each other - even when it comes to negative experiences - it reflects the way any good mirror does, and you can become aware and look to where you or someone else are trying to put forth a more important image to find what really is going on.  A quote I heard recently might be of aid here: It's never about what it's about.

So, going back, I was born into that kind of atmosphere.  I think I may have been born in the same hospital where she died, my YiaYia.  She wasn't all that old, either - mid-fifties, I think.  Though I suppose the emphasis should be placed more on the subjective experiences of the family, particularly Mum.  From being my mother's son, I have come to understand rationally, over the years, how huge an experience this was for her.  At the time, it really must have been something strong.  I've always felt extremely powerful resonances from that side of the family, particularly my YiaYia and Pop, and not-surprisingly feel that I have found a lot of answers diving into the well of their existences, the energetic vibrations that have come down through their lives, to Mum, to the kids.  Of course, there's a lot more to my early life experiences, too - the actual detailed experiences that were part and parcel of the whole product of my existence.

Really, we could replace the word "trauma" here with "experiences".  Really, it's about the experiences that shape us, that shaped our parents, that shape society.  You can take it out as far as you wish.  But some are more relevant to us, and we tend to feel them.  This is where rationality may fall a bit short, because feeling a strong experience through vibrational energy is not something you can easily describe to someone wanting an explanation.  We have been somewhat guided away from the all-too-important trust we need to have in our own experiences and feelings, to the point where a bit of a mess can come about when when delve into these things.  I can just say that I feel immense influence from the energies surrounding my birth, my Mum, my grandparents, etc.; but of course, this world wants explanations and reasoning and will gladly criticise and apply ruthless skepticism to anything that can't be formulated and understood in a tangible way.  This is a ubiquitous barrier in the scientific world we live in, part and parcel of the times, but I cannot stress enough that many of the challenges we prepared for ourselves, in association with the world, the universe and the great mysterious beyond, were set in such a way that a purely rational key cannot unlock them, and nor should it bother trying.  Even if you do "work it out", name it, describe it - dealing with it is a whole other ball game.

Perhaps the word "experiences" is even more suitable due to the fact that traumas can be either negative or positive experiences.  Getting in touch with, say, that little confused kid from high school that still calls to you for love and understanding, can release and liberate you from prisons you never knew you were in.  Or, of course, like many people in the world right now, these things can be dug up but poorly treated, leaving us with an awareness, but a lack of knowledge regarding ways of approaching these experiences and their effects in the present time.  This really sucks, because then you're potentially getting the full brunt of it without help; and we are all in need of validation, help and support with these things.  In fact, we were made to help one another, to share experiences, to share techniques and to heal one another.  However, in a world slowly learning the art and craft of healing and understanding, there appears to be a lot of dredging up and a little less help in the supportive areas; just as healing tools are becoming hugely popular and prevalent, we are discovering that support networks are needed for integrating realisations and experiences, otherwise we can be left all alone on the edge of what seems like forever.  Always remember: help and support is there.  You just need to seek it out.  And, you deserve it.  For complex reasons, we're all full of pride and think we're meant to "make it on our own".  Well, take a look at how people have always lived; take a look at the history of communities, of society.  Yes, I know it's hard to hear, but we need each others' love and support, and sometimes we need to seek it out, even ask for it.  Compassion and understanding are also growing, as well as guidance.

Presently, I am in the process of understanding my experiences - surrounding my birth, my childhood, my life - and getting in touch with the parts of me that tensed up in the night, back in the days where I didn't really think about what that was.  I'm also looking into my body, because obviously with tension comes bodily changes and effects.  Really, experiences are related always to the whole being.  When you fall and break your arm, you go through a "mental" process, as well as a physical one.  Step out of the bubble of those two terms, and what's really going on is that your entire being is experiencing something, ongoingly.  If the experience of the break was simple, uncomplicated, then you eventually get over it and move on.  If a bully pushed you and you fell and broke it, there may be a bit more to it, depending on how you dealt with it.  The context and what it meant to you are the crux of it.

Hopefully at this point the picture is falling together.  A highlight at this point is the idea of all this being "nothing special" - a Buddhist notion, whereby things that might seem miraculous or extraordinary (think healing and the healing arts) are actually just normal, nothing special.  Why should they be?  What is special?  Surely we're better off letting go of all this skepticism and doubt and trusting our experiences and feelings again, as well as any techniques that resonate with us.  Rationality has its place - this must always be stressed - but as a dominant, masculine growth, it has become an obstacle in dealing with energies, with non-rational elements.  Put more simply, try as you might you cannot find the answer to many of the issues you face.  If you "find" the answer, in words, this is helpful only if it is used craftily as a gateway to opening up new doors and windows of your being; a finger pointing at the moon, as the Zen Buddhist might say.

And after all that, if you simply cannot entertain the idea of trauma and resist it without further ado, remember: you have experienced many things in your life, and some of those experiences are still with you, in varying forms and manifestations.  Taking even a tiny peek and working through something seemingly small may even release and liberate you to the point where you'll happily sit back and say to yourself, Yep!  You've got trauma!  From there, a very exciting and earth-shaking experience of this life can begin to blossom out.  There can arise the realisation that all these dramas are of course of your own making, part of the plan in a way.  Echoes of life experiences, begging to be addressed; unique lessons to be learned, and huge positive changes from the ensuing growth.  It may sting a bit, but summoning and experiencing those lovely angelic demons is like being lifted up by waves - yes, you'll get dumped plenty of times, but with some practice you can learn to ride, to experience the ocean as playful once more, as you did many years ago, before you were taught to see it as a threat to your illusory sense of security and stability.

The exclamatory and comical nature of the title of this piece - I hope you have realised by this point - was no mistake.  Where we've landed is back in the playground, hopefully; because once we start to release these negative energies (inhibiting) we can get back on the monkey bars and have some fun again.  So...smile!  You've got trauma!