I can barley chew, the title is such a mouthful. Which serves as a metaphor for the topic, actually. Why is happiness so daunting? Not only when we long for it, but when we experience it too. Here I'll share some reflections, based particularly on a feeling of dread I've experienced in the past, when things actually do seem wonderful, perfect even. The nonsensical, non-rational experience of two elements that seem poles apart.
For a long time, when riding the peak of a happy period of life - be it a day, a week, even months - I've founded a backdrop of anxiety. What if I lose this? Am I not bound to lose it? Well, I suppose it's easy to see that nothing is ever "had" in that sense. Of course you cannot hold on to happiness. Just like the more negatively experienced emotions and vibrations, happiness is passing; it is a feature of experience, albeit one which we strive to experience more of. And it's very abstract, too, which I think is an important factor. There is no "happiness"; there is only your experience of what makes you happy, what makes you feel good and experience positive vibrations. A friend relayed a Buddhist koan to me a while back that may be helpful here: If you ever see the Buddha - kill him!
At first, it doesn't seem all that Buddhist, really. But when you dive into the depths of these kinds of ideas, you see that you cannot see, find, have the Buddha. If you think you have something, be sure to remind yourself that often when we "find" things on the outside, thinking we can attain them, we're likely doomed to lose them, seeing as we never had them in the first place.
I found it very confusing, confronting this feeling of immense happiness (my kind of happiness, as unique and varied and changing as yours). It was like waking up in a dream, trying to become lucid or conscious; I freaked out and all of a sudden a huge shadow came over the feeling. It didn't disappear, it was just accompanied by something that I feel is a reminder. A reminder of a propensity to cling to positive feelings, in the hope that they'll stay forever and we'll all live happily ever after. Even when I began to work a lot with the darkness, I still found the feeling confronting, difficult to explain. And, like most things difficult to explain, there is no real explanation. Here, we find we're working with energies. Energies at work, too, always moving about and shifting and telling us stories, giving us clues, calling to us for attention (as discomfort does). A great metaphor for this is diving into a relationship. For many, the honeymoon period is ecstatic, very real and very, very powerful. But then, things get more complex. Do I really want to spend years with this person? Do I have any idea what I'm doing? Will this (happiness) last? Well, the answer can be many things. Happiness in a relationship can of course remain; or, if the couple aren't prepared for what's to come after the holiday to Europe, then things can very quickly explode and grow very messy, even damaging. The essence is in how we perceive and approach it all. Of course we're all lusting after happiness, but we're also all fairly used to quick fixes, superficial tasty treats that promise our insecure side long-lasting joy and pleasure. Rarely do we consider the depth behind it all and the consequences of not consulting the depths of our hearts. More rarely, we are (blameless-ly) drawn in to what seems to us a way out of something. Consider the next time you eat a chocolate bar (but please, do still enjoy it!): the taste is good, and you may want another, and you may want to keep doing this. But what would happen if you just kept eating chocolate bars, every time your desire for one arose? Well, first of all, you may be unaware that the chocolate bar contains very little actual chocolate; secondly, you may also be unaware that if you do that, you will eventually grow very sick.
This sickness is where the happiness becomes confused, because why am I becoming sick when this experience seems so good, so promising and endless? Cosmic love may be endless; the love of God or the Universe may be, in whatever sense you feel it, endless; but a tasty chocolate bar is not a source of endless joy, love, ecstasy, or whatever. Whether you're eating thousands of chocolate bars, or searching for happiness in a particular, external "thing", you're ignoring some of the more confronting stuff that comes along with it. You can either become very sick and continue to be ignorant of why, or you can become aware of what's going on here. You can experience happiness as though it's forever and something to be strived for, or you can see and become aware that it's part and parcel of a larger experience of things. Even the most immense-seeming happiness. This is not to say you shouldn't enjoy it! You should; you have every right to! But you also, if you wish to experience it more, pay some attention to its counterparts. By this, I don't mean just sadness - I'm moving more into the realm of positive and negative vibrations, around the entire spectrum. The whole; the burger with the lot. There's a huge interplay going on here, and it's important to pay due notice to what's calling you. Sure, if you're experiencing general happiness and not too much stress, anxiety, etc., then go for gold; live it! But when the darkness calls, be sure to pay that saucy mistress a visit. She comes for a reason.
I am aware that this is ultra simplified, at this stage. Though I do hope it triggers some bells, nonetheless. Some of the most liberating moments of my life have been those in which I have realised that the things I love most are very much in the realm of impermanence also; that all of these things are subject to the great law of change, as everything is. But where does this land us in the end? Probably in the same feeling-space we were before. So, the next step is figuring your shit out; finding ways to overcome, to uncover, to be vulnerable, to shed layers, to dig deep. Let us not forget that we are all part of a collective, and that that collective - in many, many forms - has influenced us immensely. It is important to acknowledge here that this is not in the realm of good or bad, and definitely not to be poisoned with the idea of blame. We want to get close to the idea of accepting what is. How undeniable is that? Indeed. You cannot argue with what is, because what is, is...what is! Logic seems to end here; we cannot argue any further, with ourselves or with others. There is simply nowhere to go, but inside; to energy. And energy often works outside of logic and rationality, so we're going to have to get used to the idea of not being able to figure something out. At this point, we feel as though our heads are going to explode - and they very well may. Metaphorically, anyhow.
So why has happiness troubled me over the years, when it stands alone there and seems to be on a pedestal, telling me that it is an independent thing? Well, it's not independent; it's interdependent. And it's actually "no-thing", because it is a huge and relative set of vibrations, experienced according to your unique, beautiful, very special DNA (metaphor). There is no answer, which is why often we can't find one. So, where I think it would be wise to go next, and which is persistently pricing itself, is taking action with energy and seeing what you can actually do to bring about more positive vibrations. Rationality isn't completely left behind here; in fact, it's always present, to an extent. But bracketing it allows us to work with different systems, be them medicine, lifestyles, diets, mind energy - the list is likely endless. But how hard it is to throw yourself into something that, to your immensely rational mind, seems to "do nothing", especially when you first try these things. "Ok, so I tried and it didn't work, so I think it's a whole lot of bullshit and I'm going to go back to my habitual way of thinking to really nut this out." Fruitless. With some things, some very important and powerful things, there is simply nothing there that you can work out; and if you think you have worked it out, but feel the same as you did before, maybe look back into those airy-fairy hippie-dippy things and see what others' experiences have been like. When I studied a few units of psychology at university, I learnt that anecdotal evidence isn't held in too high a regard; scientists are after solid numbers, probabilities, etc. But how far is that from actual experiences? Why are we trusting in a system that tells us that "anecdotal evidence", aka our own experiences and those of others, aren't to be trusted? Is something no slightly amiss here?
So, instead of going into the many systems I have tried, I'll leave this piece at that. Right on the edge.. Maybe try something new, something you think is bullshit. Often, when we think something is bullshit, it's because we're experiencing resistance within ourselves; it has nothing to do with what it seems to be about. Thinking something is bullshit and rallying for its demotion is a huge, huge sign that you're wise self is trying to draw your attention to. It reads: YOU'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING AND BY BELITTLING SOMETHING EXTERNALLY YOU'RE DISTRACTING YOURSELF FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY NEED SOMETHING THAT IS MISSING. With such barriers up, many stagnate in old and unhelpful, even damaging habits. There is only one imperative here, and that is to grow with the flow. We can sit back and toy around with pride, egoic tendencies, arguments for arguments' sake, one-up-man-ship - but in the end, these elements are part of our past experiences; vibrations coming from early life, or past lives, or collective memory, pleading to us to take a peek. Pleading us to remember why we're here, what we're capable of, and how we can enjoy this beautiful manifestation in many, many different ways.
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